Of Hobbies, Intimacy, And Phone Sex

The subject of intimacy substitution or replacement often comes up in what we do; after all, if we profess to offer companionship, intimate encounters not merely “wank material,” aren’t we some sort of substitute for the intimacy of marriage or other primary romantic relationships?

There are dangers in long-term reliance on the type of companionship we offer — if this shared intimacy fills an empty space in such a way that it replaces rather than enhances the intimacy of the primary relationship. The same can be said in cases where a person replaces the “hole” in their relationship with food, work, time spent blogging or on the Internet, community involvements, participation in dart league down at the local bar, or even their own children. Most folks, outside of professionals, wouldn’t consider those things as potentially damaging to a relationship as phone or virtual sex, but they can be. Perhaps even more so, as those non-sexual activities seem to be less threatening to couples’ intimacy, and therefore often go on forever unnamed, unaddressed…

Perhaps it’s because things considered to be sexual or erotic come with the presumption of infidelity — if not also too-quickly labeled ‘addictions’ too — that people are so assumptively concerned. But anything that replaces intimacy in a relationship threatens it.

And you don’t even have to be a certified therapist to see how, once it’s pointed out to you.

If a person participates in a hobby — reading, blogging, bowling — to the extent that they have their own identity and feel good about themselves, being happier in their relationship, we’d all agree that’s a “good thing.” Even if their partner would share their interest in the activity, everyone needs time alone for themselves or within their own circles of friends for their own sanity. We all know about how an individual’s high self-esteem means they feel more confident, more sexy, more willing to be intimate in physical and emotional ways.

But when the hobby or activity becomes the only place a person is happy, if the activity replaces intimacy with a partner, well, that’s another situation entirely. It doesn’t matter then if it’s a hobby, work, shopping, or the role of parent.

So why should phone sex or other forms or erotic entertainment be so different?

So, we are the ones who entertain his organs, the mighty grey one called the brain and the one between his legs, allowing him to have his own identity and feel good about himself in a sexual way — so what?

Often, those clients who are married or who are in relationships have tried to get their fantasies met in those relationships — but are not able to. It’s not (always) the old “my wife doesn’t understand me” (although sometimes that does exist), but that the spouse just isn’t turned on by what they are. Much like couples who do not share all the same political views or tastes in books and films, it is not mandatory that each half of the couple share all the same sexual fantasies. Just as his vote for President may cancel out her vote, just as her bookshelves may be filled with mysteries while his are filled with histories, they each can have special erotic fantasies the other does not share — and without any risk to their relationship. We are a client’s more interactive “choose your own sexual adventure” story, his pals who are willing to discuss the taboos his wife will not, we are the outlets that he plugs into (metaphorically!) to recharge his sexual batteries so that he does not grow in resentment, shutting down emotionally, limiting his intimate connections to his partner.

We take great pride in the fact that our companionship services enhance relationships. Emotionally and physically. (More on that last one another time.)

Unless a client opts to view us, or use us, as a replacement for true intimacy in his primary relationship, phone sex, virtual sex, masturbation, erotic companionship is no different or damaging to a relationship than a night out bowling with the boys.